My 51st birthday was two days ago. I usually spend time reflecting on my birthday. This time, my day was spent differently than I’d ever planned, yet still with reflection.

For the first time in my life, I attended a funeral on my birthday. One of my best friend’s mom’s passed away. There’s really no place I would have rather been than supporting and showing love for these precious friends who are family to me.

I am blessed with deep framily-type relationships. This reality is what I cherish most in my life, friends who are like family and some family who are like friends. Of all gifts I’ve ever been given, these relationships are the treasures of my life.

Many of you are counted in these treasures in my heart. Facebook greetings from so many on my birthday really do have a deep impact on me. Even those friends from forever ago, whom I rarely see, warm my spirit and flood my mind with sweet memories when you take a moment to wish me a happy day.

I love my framily, truly. When I say that, it isn’t trite or cliché. My love is fierce and lifelong , even for some who turned on me at some point and left a wound in my heart. Regardless of my introverted self, and my need for space to refresh and renew, my love runs deep and I negate myself very much of the time to be there for those whom I love.

That being said, I’ve spent the last several years trying to learn better how to care for myself. I came to the realization that this is a part of my being a good steward of the life God has given me and a part of following Jesus, living into the purposes He has for me.

So this last year, my focus turned to physical wellness, since my focus on the other five areas of my life had brought me balance and stability in them (mental , emotional, spiritual, social, and vocational). This last year, the physical focus wasn’t only about losing weight, but about becoming more balanced and well physically.

I tried to update y’all on this journey throughout the year. I purposed to go to the doctor and face my realities better. I sought to try new approaches to eating healthily, and went back to a tried and true method that actually worked to help me get moving with losing some weight. I even explored some self-therapy with learning more about “tapping”, or EFT (emotional freedom techniques).

I can report that I’ve lost 25 lbs and am still moving forward towards learning more and losing more, becoming healthier and seeking that walk of holistic wellness that I desire. This 51st year will continue that journey for me, and being at peace in my relationships will help me keep going.

You all mean more to me than I can fully express. Your support, encouragement, and sharing your stories on social media motivates me much of the time. I want you to know I am grateful for your presence in my life at whatever level we are able to experience with the time, distance and daily demands of our lives.

The Lord bless you and keep you

The Lord make His face shine upon you

And give you peace forever

I promised a post on Friday, but life got away from me, so here I am.  This is better anyway because I’ve had 3 more nights and two full days to learn and grow.  I always want to write from a place of life wisdom and truth, and frankly, time makes all the difference in my being wise or not.  What I’m wanting to share comes from a place of my dreams and desires for others, for you, as well as for myself, and I don’t take this lightly.

For the last few years, as I’ve studied life coaching as well as spiritual formation, I’ve become more and more convinced that our relationships need to be based more in the coaching model.  I actually feel, at my core, that people shouldn’t have to pay for personal coaches to help them grow and become.  I better understand and agree with paying for career/business/executive coaches that help you become your best professionally or help you grow your business.  But, for personal growth, I have this deep conviction that we need to be helping each other do this regularly, not having to pay people to help us become and move forward through life.

That being said, I also recognize that not everyone has deep relationships in their lives with people whom they can lean into for a reciprocal type of “coaching” help from time to time through the seasons of life.  On the flip-side, not all of us feel equipped to be “coaches” in the lives of our close friends or family.  These two areas are where I want to make a difference.

My heart has had a dream for about four years now that I’m still slowly allowing to become a real idea and potential plan.  I want to be able to help others learn how to be in those deep relationships with one another that lead to being able to reciprocally help one another to grow and become our best potential selves, to live into the purposes for which we were created in the first place.   I’d like to offer a space for this to happen, in groups and as individuals, a place for spiritual retreat.

Meanwhile, on the journey to get to that point, I’m open to teaching, speaking, writing, or doing whatever I can to help others learn and grow, to “become”.  I have much yet to learn before I could own, run, and/or manage a spiritual retreat center, as well as the need for land/the space to have such a place.  I view my present experiences as opportunities to learn and grow myself, to become prepared for the potential of this dream becoming a reality, and to begin to prepare for the plans that it would take to make this happen, in God’s timing.

Part of my current learning is still centered around my year-long focus on becoming more physically well and whole.  I’ve lost 21 lbs. and am continuing to glean new information and practice new habits to become healthier for the long haul.  As this 50th year focus will soon transition into my 51st year (Oct 19 is my birthday), I’ll keep applying what I’ve been learning in regards to my physical wellness, but I’ve taken on a new emphasis for the year ahead, in attempts to help our family through my vocational opportunities.

Basically, this means I’m going to work as much as I can in the year ahead and say yes to open doors as they come to me.  I say this, though, knowing that I have limits to my physical and emotional well-being, so if the time comes to say “no” to something in order to help my own wellness, I will do so, knowing that the only way I can be of good to anyone, myself or my family, that I have to be holistically well.

Ultimately, this holistic wellness is about being a good steward of this life that God has given me to live.  I cannot lean into the purpose for which He created me if I’m not well and available, with the proper knowledge and skills, to accomplish what He has uniquely purposed for me.  Hence, self-care is of great importance to me and for me to teach others as I help them move forward towards the deep relationships that can lead to reciprocally coaching and helping each other grow into God’s intentions for all of us as His children.

Summer is over in my corner of the world. All of us in my family are back in school in some way or another (me, my oldest and my husband teaching , my middle and his fiancé at IWU and my youngest completing her online courses). I confess that I’m eager for the summer heat to be over as well!

For the last 20 years, Fall has been a busy time for me, sometimes chaotic.  I think it started when my oldest first went to kindergarten.  The many years since have continued to be organized around the school year, with my children’s schooling as well as with my husband and I both teaching college courses most of those years.  However, no matter the chaos, Fall is my favorite time of year.

Currently, I do have a lot going on, some of which is just beginning and some that has been routine for a while.  I’m carrying extra jobs in attempts to help our family pay some bills that accumulated with our moving process and transition the last two years.  I’m also still in the midst of my 50th year focus on physical transformation in my life.  The added stress of my work life is causing some distraction for me, but I’m determined to continue on the course of seeking true inner change that translates outwardly for my physical appearance and overall health.

That being said, I can safely now confirm that I’ve lost 20 lbs. since the first part of May.  I do feel better as a result of this.  I also feel better in the sense that I can tell my thinking about food has been changing, as I’ve sought out some extra helps with inner healing of childhood habits by incorporating EFT(emotional freedom techniques) into my weekly routine.  This has been an open door for God to work in even deeper ways to transform me (not saying He’s finished, at all….just confirming I know He’s at work and I’m allowing His work in me).

Here are some truths I’ve been coming to accept and embrace:

🔰I feel better when I’m not eating

🔰My blood pressure and heart rate are better when I’m not eating

🔰It doesn’t take much to fill me up when I haven’t been eating

🔰Watching TV makes me want to eat more

🔰chewing gum does help me not to eat

🔰I need to accept permanent change because I have been very unhealthy and can’t return to how I was

🔰I can go longer without bread and chocolate than I thought I could

🔰I don’t get as hot when I’m not eating

🔰I might end up only eating one real meal each day

🔰I’m praying for how to live going forward

🔰protein, with fat, seems to be what gets me through the times I’m drawn to eating

🔰dairy does cause me issues, particularly white milk and white cheese; it spikes my blood sugar

So, as I say goodbye to a fun-filled, busy Summer and get into the routine of what promises to be the typical chaotic Fall, I’m wanting to hold fast to these truths I’ve been learning and remain open to new truths God has for me in this season, the literal season, and in my season of life….

More and more lately, I’ve been greatly aware of people simply being people.  What I mean is that no one is better than or less than anyone else.  Our culture, and some other cultures in the world, try to get all of us to live as though we need to always try to be better than others, and the idea that there are those who are less than us somehow makes us feel better about ourselves.

I believe I’ve wrestled with this within myself my entire life.  I’ve tried to do what I could to see myself as deserving of love because of my actions or personality, talents, skills, demeanor, etc., yet, most of my life, I’ve felt I must not be measuring up in some way or another because I don’t have the things, relationships, or opportunities that others do.  There is always an underlying current in my mind that has made me think I need to do something more to be better and for the world to see me as deserving.  I’ve considered myself as less than much of the time, even when I do something well or achieve an honor.

On the flip side, I’ve also felt guilty many times for thinking of myself as a better person than someone or perceiving that I do something better than another person does it. In my ego , I’ve felt justified or that I have worth because of those situations and comparisons.

The fact is, in my heart of hearts, my true self knows we all have worth because of God’s love for us. As I once heard a preacher share, ‘the ground is level at the foot of the cross…there are no better thans or less thans in the Kingdom.” I’ve tried to live in this reality for a number of years.

Recently, this has been running through my mind constantly … when I drive through the “bad part” of town or the “rich neighborhood”, when I check out at the store or speak with someone on the phone for work, when I fail or when I succeed. God loves us all the same, and for the most part, we’re all just people trying to make the most out of our broken lives, no matter what our bank accounts or homes portray about us and no matter how many goals we meet, failures we taste, how we look or who we know.

Just as each of these photos displays the beauty of an individual event, flower, and bird, we each have our own individuality and

beauty, our own value and worth, simply because we exist.  May we all rest in this within ourselves as well as look on each other in the awareness of this truth….and love all as God loves us.

“I LOVE REMBRANDT’S painting The Return of the Prodigal Son. The father holds his child, touches his child, and says, “You are my beloved. I’m not going to ask you any questions. Wherever you have gone, whatever you have done, and whatever people say about you, you’re my beloved. I hold you safe in my embrace. You can come home to me whose name is Compassionate, whose name is Love.”

If we keep that in mind, we can deal with an enormous amount of success as well as an enormous amount of failure without losing our identity, because our identity is that we are the beloved. Long before our father and mother, our brothers and sisters, our teachers, our church, or anyone else touched us in a loving or a wounding way—long before we were rejected by some person or praised by somebody else—that voice was there. “I have loved you with an everlasting love” (Jer. 31:3). That love was there before we were born and will be there after we die.

– Henri J. M. Nouwen with John S. Mogabgab, Series Editor
A Spirituality of Living” (The Upper Room Daily Devotional Email, July 27)

I’m more than halfway through this 50th year of my life. As I’ve shared several times, I purposed to focus on my physical health this year. I’ve had my ups and downs with this, to be sure, but this last month my focus has finally given way to allow me to concentrate on this area of need in my life.

Eating differently has been a priority for sure, and I plan to write more about that later. I’ve also been adding in more exercises and movement, learning new ways to stretch and pushing myself a bit more, just in this last week or so. Additionally, I’ve signed up to learn more about “tapping” as a way to address the emotions connected with eating habits I have fought my entire life since I first gained weight as a five year old and since Mom and Dad put me on diets in 4th grade.

In writing this today, I simply want to testify to how God is working in my life in all of this. It seems like the planets suddenly aligned for this to be the time to truly make these changes in my life. God is enabling me and fueling this transformation. The changes may never be fully recognizable on the outside, but in my heart and mind , there is a work going on that could only be attributed to the Spirit’s work. For this, I am so incredibly thankful.

For many years, since I was young, I have relished in the view of sun bursting from behind clouds, or really any time the sun rays can be seen streaming across the sky in stark contrast to the rest of the expanse. When I see this, I feel better the reality of God’s presence and get a sense of being enveloped in His love.

There is a song by Toby Mac that talks about love breaking through and finding us in our darkness. I’ve definitely had those moments in my life when God’s love pierced through the darkness in my life, some big moments as well as those little moments in the midst of the everyday.

I can honestly say that there are many of those times that I would have missed God’s rays reaching out to me if I hadn’t been open to looking for and noticing Him, in even the smallest of details. Though I’ve been aware of Him since I was a child, learning to look for and recognize Him has taken much of my adult life thus far, and still there are times I’m sure I don’t realize He’s trying to break through my thoughts to get to my heart and soul.

The most significant difference I can see in whether I notice Him or not comes from my own choices and behaviors. I must be intentional, purposeful, in choosing to turn my mind to see the good, true, lovely , etc, as well as being thankful and grateful, positive, on purpose. This doesn’t often come naturally to me, being a melancholy personality who struggles with anxiety. So, I have to pray ahead of time that God would keep me in His truth and dispel the lies that would keep me from noticing His ways of speaking to my heart, His love breaking through in the midst of all my human-ness.

The cool and wonderful thing is that He does it! He faithfully breaks through my darkness and shows me His light….and in the end , my heart grows more grateful, more trusting, and more aware of His love and presence.

What is truth? Do you ever wake from deep dreaming and feel lost in reality, wondering what was actually true from your dream, even weighted down by the emotions you were feeling? That was me today.

I felt so heavy in my spirit when I awoke , and I’m not sure exactly why, though I do know there was stress in my dream. After stumbling through my first moments, letting the dog out and helping my daughter get out the door to work, I settled down with my coffee and began to pray.

I asked God to remind me of all that was true, to help me remember and notice all the good in the reality around me. I heard the birds singing outside my window, saw the beautiful blue sky and sunshine 🌞, and focused on God’s love.

That’s my reality , my truth, at its core. Yes, somedays are gray and rainy, but no matter, the basics of who I am are grounded in being a part of God’s creation and trusting Him as my Father. Everything else pales in comparison to that Truth in my life.

The same is true for you. We all have significance, and security, and belonging as children of the one, true King residing in His creation with calling and purpose to be priests and rulers alongside His Son, our Brother, Jesus…all we need do is believe that Truth.

Now I’m back in the reality of this day. It’s not perfect, by a long shot, but I am at peace again and resting in the love of my Abba Father and the friendship of my Brother. That’s really all the Truth I need….

I’ve been tempted today to lose sight of the beauty around me as I was struck first thing this morning with feelings of once again not measuring up. People can be careless with their words and judgements, especially in an email and having never actually met me. I vacillated between feelings of failure and rejection mixed with anger and frustration for a while this morning, yet I had a meeting which required my positivity and letting go of self absorption.

I’m so very thankful that someone else needed me to focus on them. My gratefulness increased even more as I watched the beautiful day unfold outside my office window. I could hardly wait to finish my work and get outside for a walk with the dog.

Perspective can be easily swayed at times by the words and actions of others. Yet, there is nothing quite like being in the midst of God’s creation to help bring the truth of whose I am back into view.

Feeling renewed after my walk (and time spent pretending I’m a nature photographer 😉), the unthoughtful words from that morning email were no longer impacting me.

Then evening came and another behind the scenes set of judgmental comments came to light. Again, these were aspersions cast by someone who has never taken the time to truly know me or my family and who has allowed others who don’t really know us to shape their thoughts and opinions of us.

This obviously troubled me and caused me great frustration, as well as self-doubt. How can fellow members of the Body of Christ sit back and determine they know peoples’ motives and intentions, placing judgment, holding others at arms length and preventing real relationships? It frustrates me the most because of the loss of opportunity for having real, in-depth, reciprocal relationships.

In my sadness and disappointment, I was reminded of Christ. So many misunderstood and misjudged Him, and still do. Matthew 23:37 says that Jesus longed to protect and love all the people of Jerusalem yet they were unwilling. How very sad…

However, for me, this brought back to mind that God understands all our heartaches, all our rejections and hurts because Jesus has felt them all and talks to His Father for us. He hurts with us.

This makes me all the more grateful for the grace given me through the beauty of God’s creation…it is a balm for my spirit that heals and strengthens me.

A different way of living each day has been emerging in my life.  I’ve been trying to live without giving in to the internal pressure I have placed upon myself for so long…pressure to perform, to strive to be more, to live up to expectations, to make others happy…etc.

I have had no desire to write in a long time. What’s up with that? I haven’t been avoiding it or meaning to do so and forgetting. I simply don’t feel inspired to share anything, not even now, but I told myself I had to write today, because I know it truly does help me to process and to share, to feel I’m a part of something bigger than myself and my little corner of Middletown, OH.

I think I’ve given up the fight to become more than I’ve been, and I’m simply trying to “be” each day, to simply live and live simply. Everyday living in our culture and this age of the world we know doesn’t make room very readily for just living life.  From childhood, we here in the US have been taught through the lens of the so-called “American Dream”.  That may be well and good for some people, and it does seem to happen in the lives of a few, but generally speaking, the “American Dream” leaves out many so that the few can achieve it, being based on becoming better than and avoiding being less than.

For the last several months, I’ve been trying to allow God to transform my thinking from all I’ve ever learned, to see, hear, and experience life as He intends for me.  I’m even reading the Bible through a different mindset, attempting to read it for what it was saying to those people, then, in their cultures and the age of the world in which they existed.  This isn’t easy.  I find I have to constantly ask the Spirit to switch off what I’ve always known, the way I was taught to interpret what the Bible says by my church growing up, by living in my hometown in WV and the larger culture of America, particularly, America’s version of Christianity.

I guess what I’m saying is that I’m trying to truly allow God to change my mind, to be a Romans 12:1-2 Christ follower.  In so doing, sometimes I just don’t know how to be, what to think, what I need to be doing each day.  That may sound absurd to many, but until you start the process of learning to discern the truth of all that is from what you’ve been told and how you’ve always lived, you just don’t know how pervasive the false perceptions of your life have been.

All this being said, I’m brought back to the journey towards greater physical wellness that I began back in October, wanting this 50th year of my life to focus on needed physical changes.  I don’t feel I’ve been very successful with this, thus far, because, by the world’s measurements, my outward appearance hasn’t changed and my habits with exercise haven’t really improved.  However, I’m feeling better, having taken myself off a supplement that I think was causing me some problems, and my A1-C has come down as well as my glucose, being managed by a daily injection of Victoza.

I feel hopeful, with Spring’s arrival, that my mood will shift towards wanting to be outside exercising, which will include walking the dog, working in the yard, hiking when possible, etc.  I’ll stop watching so much TV because there will be more possibilities outdoors and because my energy level will naturally increase while depression decreases.  I know this because it’s my normal progression with my seasonal affective disorder.

Add all of this together, and I believe God is going to continue to transform me as a whole, even while I attempt to pay closer attention to my physical health.  As I notice the Bible study here beside me on my desk, I realize it’s the perfect example of what I’m feeling….I have the “hope of renewal” (from “All Things New” by John Eldredge)….not only for the life to come, but also for the here and now, and I’m trying to live into this hope, in all areas of my life, instead of trying to live life the way I’ve been told it should be….