Sometimes, grief just shows up. I’ve experienced this off and on for years since my dad passed away in 1987, a brother in 1989, a sister in 2013, and another brother in 2015, as well as close aunts and uncles , both sets of my grandparents and my dear step-father-in-law. Naturally, grief has been closer to the surface these last couple months since my mom passed away.

This week was my sister Anne’s birthday, though she passed away in 2013. I went to see one of my other sisters that day and we watched some old family videos while drinking hot tea.

The videos brought back a flood of of memories, and not just of Anne. My dad, his brother and sister, were in the videos , my two brothers, two nephews and grandmother, as well. All have left us here in this world. My heart has been heavy since.

My MaMa, mom’s mom, has been gone since 1985. I barely knew her since I was so young still at 18. What would it have been like to have known her once I was an adult?

I miss my dad and brother who’ve been gone long enough that I’ve forgotten what their presence was like. Thoughts of my dear sister, who lived through stage 4 cancer and fought to survive for 24 more years, follow me daily as she intentionally participated in my life for all the years she lived since I came into her world. Her presence is palpable at times.

I watched some more family videos last night with my nuclear family. Allowing myself to feel the depths of grief while also laughing with my husband and kids as we watched these was good for my soul , helping me wrap up this difficult emotional week. To quote one of my favorite movies, Dolly Parton in Steel Magnolias, “laughter through tears is my favorite emotion.”