Today was spent with my daughter. We have our ups and downs, yet, there is much joy in my life because of her. My greatest joy today has been simply having quality and quantity of time with her. 

I’ve had an idea impressed upon my spirit that I have a special focus on joy during this season between Epiphany and Easter.  When I speak of joy, I do not mean anything fake or contrived. I also do not mean that I will ignore grief or sorrows or difficulties and only focus on sunshine and rainbows. My desire is to point out joy every day, in the midst of the hard times, in spite of the sorrows, or joy that is found because of the impact of an otherwise sad happening in my life. 

Today, I have already had two joys surprise me. One was from simply reading a friend’s post on Facebook that made me laugh while also feeling a comradery with others, a sense of belonging and acceptance in the midst of this big world.  ( Thanks Heidi!😁)

My second joy so far today came from seeing the snow sparkling in my yard. Even though it’s a bitter cold, zero degree day, the snow and sun ☀️ on a January day make me warm inside. As I wash my dishes and think of how this is to be my last January in this home, in this “small town” life, their is joy in my spirit for all the memories we have made here, the friends, the moments of fun and laughter, as well as tears, as a family in this home. The snowy scenery around our house has been a constant for fifteen years, and I’m so thankful for God’s gift of allowing us to raise our family in one location for the majority of their growing up years.  That is my Epiphany today, God’s manifestation of Christ’s work in my life, and it brings me joy to think of all the ways He has worked and revealed Himself to me, and reaffirms to me that He is not done with me , or my family. 

 (If you are curious about Epiphany, here is a great link that would help you better understand it:  https://www.google.com/amp/www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2016/11/18/what-is-the-epiphany-and-when-in-2017-is-it-here-are-10-facts-ab/amp/?client=safari)

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Winter blues have already hit me in a big way.  I actually love winter, the snow, Christmas, and all that comes with it, except for the early evening darkness.  It can easily overcome the light in my spirit, and I’m not an overly bubbly personality anyway, so it can take some effort to get on top of the pull to simply hibernate all winter.

There’s a similar pull in my spirit when I face tough times.  When we have car troubles and finances are low, when there are personal disappointments, failures, or feeling rejected, when I sense a lack in some areas of my life, and/or when I experience losses or attacks to my relationships, hopes or dreams, finding the lightness, the joy, can be a challenge.  Yet, I’ve decided to never give up trying and to never give in to despising the dark times…

Just as flowers and plants need the dark and dormant times in order to grow more and to flourish, I’ve learned that I do also.  It can be cold and lonely at times, like walking across this college campus where I work on a dark, snowy, windy night.  Warmth and rest, light and laughter can seem very far away in those moments, and longing for the safety and shelter of the more light times in life can become consuming at times.  However, if I pause, I can see the sparkle still there, in the reflection of the moon on the snow or the life in the birds flitting from one barren tree to the other on a grey day, and in my heart, I can sense a transformation happening that wouldn’t take place in the lighter times.

These dark times push me closer to God.  I’ve learned that my dependency on Him and trust in Him grow in the barren times.  The tears I cry, the ache in my heart, and the anxiety in my spirit are seen and felt and heard by Him, and He draws me close, if I let Him.  His Presence becomes more tangible, real, and calming to mine, assuring me that He is with me through every step in the darkness and that He will always be a light for me in those dark places when all other lights have gone out (Lord of the Rings).Finally, His Spirit reminds me of the hope that lies ahead, no matter how dark the days or how long the nights may seem.

ROSES UNDERNEATH THE SNOW

Summer groves may lose their gladness, wint'ry winds may wander by,
Cures may come and weary sadness, must we then forever sigh?
Brave the storm with firm endeavor, let your vain repinings go;
Hopeful hearts will find forever roses underneath the snow.

CHOR.
Brave the storm with firm endeavor, let your vain repinings go;
Hopeful hearts will find forever roses underneath the snow.

One by one the links that bind us may be severed here on earth.
But the sun will surely find us thro' the Winter's gloomy dearth;
Cheerful hearts around us beating, wearing ever Summer's glow;
Ah! we know you're always meeting roses underneath the snow.-Chorus.

Never joy that earth can send us can forever leave us here;
Ev'ry flower that Spring can lend us blooms again another year;
Care's may come, but never mind them, joy may come and joys may go-
Look around and you will find them- roses underneath the snow.-Chorus.

(American Old Time Song Lyrics: 28,
 http://www.traditionalmusic.co.uk/songster/28-roses-underneath-the-snow.htm)

In other words, the change that belongs to a particular season….

I love FALL!!  This is one of the top ten reasons I don’t plan to ever move to the South.  The changing seasons are a necessary part of my life, all four of them, but Fall’s change particularly speaks to me.  The colors draw me in with beckoning to my spirit, along with the coolness in the air (though this Fall is unusually warm) and the crunch of leaves beneath my feet.  I desire to be in nature at this time of year.

Growing up in the hills of WV, we would spend hours upon hours hiking the hills in the Fall, after we were pretty sure the snakes had gone into hibernation.  I long to do some hiking right now; my soul is aching for me to do so.  I had planned to hike on Sunday afternoon, but alas it was raining, cold, dark, and dreary.  Now, here I am sitting in my classroom awaiting my next group of students and lamenting that I can’t just go run to the hills and climb a rock, slide on some wet leaves, and breathe in the freshness of the woods.

Yet, there is a different change belonging to this Fall; one I’ve never experienced until now….when I think I may be entering the Fall season of my life.  My baby is a senior in high school, plus after she graduates, we will be moving to a new town.  This Fall is filled with the changes brought on by those realities.  I don’t have much time to be melancholy about it all because I’ve been super busy with our family’s normal hectic Fall schedule, since we have 6 birthdays within a 6 week time span (4 of us plus 2 grandparents), as well as the football season (with a cheerleader daughter) and homecoming, plus senior pictures and my own busy teaching schedule.

Sometimes, I simply want to sit and ponder it all.  Yes, I pray and talk with God about it all; however, I feel a need to step back and dwell on it all for a while….to mull it over and take better mental pictures of this season and all the changes that belong to it….because I don’t believe I’ll ever pass this way again….there will never be another Fall like this one…

I struggle with anxiety. I used to think I was depressed until nine years ago when I went on antidepressants and finally recognized my anxiety. I learned that my depression had developed because my anxiety had gotten so bad. At that time, they switched my med to a combination pill and I stabilized. 

I also gained 15 pounds, so I weaned myself off it after two years because the life situations had improved and my already overweight body didn’t need to keep gaining. In 2013, due to some very difficult trials in our the life of my family, I went back on a med for my anxiety. I stayed on it  for two years, and it helped, but I gained 15 more pounds. 

I weaned myself off again and have tried to learn behaviors to deal with my anxiety naturally, along with vitamins and essential oils. I pray , meditate, talk with friends, practicing breathing techniques, write, read fiction , drink lots of water, and try to exercise. Most of the time, I’m all right…I’m not against taking meds. I just don’t want to gain more weight. That battle is tough enough for me as it is. 

However, there are times I am overcome with anxiety and have to fight to keep from giving in to it, follow what I know works , and trust God will calm the storm inside me….and He always does. 

1Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. 

Lately, I have been spending more intentional, focused time praying, meditating, breathing deep breaths, and reading Scripture and devotional writings.  I’m on my own a lot these days and I’ve recognized this is a season if my life to learn and grow in new ways, to soak in God’s presence and be fully aware of Him at all times. 

I’ve been sensing the Spirit speaking truths to my heart about who I am in Him. These truths are tearing down lies I’ve believed about myself for a very long time. It’s a process and isn’t easy, yet I’m finding myself surprised by these revelations and hesitant to fully believe they could be true.  It’s sort of like the light bulbs that come on dim and gradually grow in intensity to brighten a room. I’m walking more and more into the brilliance and clarity of God’s truth about who He made me to be….

….and it’s such a relief. 

I’m an adjunct at our university again this year, and I’m so glad to be back to teaching.  As an added blessing, I’m teaching two courses I hadn’t taught previously.  One of them is College Writing.

The topic of writing being recursive came to our attention yesterday and I asked my students to look up what recursive writing meant and come back Thursday with a definition for me.  Frankly, I knew what it meant, intuitively, but I hadn’t ever actually used the term, so I looked it up as well.

The term recursive “relates to or involves the repeated application of a rule, definition, or procedure to successive results(Google).” It’s used more extensively in math, linguistics, and computing.  Writing recursively has to do with going back over our writing and making changes, editing, adding to our original thoughts, revising, deleting some ideas, moving other ideas around, etc.  It can even mean that our conclusion might change and develop as we write, to the point that we go back and redirect our thesis.  We teach students to follow a 5-step process, though actual writers don’t necessarily follow a nice-neat process(writing is typically messy).  Regardless, whether following the process or writing more freely, success in writing happens through constant recursion, looking back and repeating steps, until a final draft is produced.

As I was thinking more on this yesterday, I went on to teach my other course that is new to me this year, Discipleship of the Christian Mind.  We were discussing what it means to be a disciple as our topic yesterday, which also covers discussing the meaning of discipleship and how practicing disciplines comes into play when one is a disciple.

A new idea suddenly dawned on me.  Discipleship is recursive.

We learn to be disciples when we first start following.  For the purposes of my course, we are referring to being Christ-followers, though people can be, and are, disciples/followers of many other people and things.  The Discipleship course is also attempting to instill in the students that developing their minds through their studies is a part of their discipleship to Christ.

However, in relationship to every person who is following Christ, I will say it again, discipleship is recursive.  From the time we first believe in Christ and accept Him into our lives, we begin to develop disciplines in our lives which help us be a faithful follower/disciple.  Many of us learn these because of a church, a Sunday School class, or a youth group we attend.  Some disciplines naturally grow within us once we start to sense the Spirit’s leading in our lives.

For me, when I first accepted Christ at age 11, the most noticeable difference one could see in my life was that I was reading the Bible all the time.  I turned to God’s Word with every question, every emotion, and every doubt in my young life.  In addition, I also took on the challenge to read the entire Bible.

Over the years of my life since then, I grew in the discipline of reading the Bible and delved into studying it more intently.  I became a Christian Education major in college so I took Bible courses, including Greek. I continue to read some Scripture every day, and I find a strength in it.  I post Bible verses around our home and use daily Scripture calendars to keep God’s Word always before me.  I don’t think I could make it through life without God’s Word.

Yet, that isn’t the only discipline that has kept me in a relationship with God.  Prayer has developed in my life since I was a child, even before I actually asked God to forgive me and accepted Christ.  Some of my earliest memories are my nightly prayers as a child.  Growing and maturing through all these years, I’ve tried countless ways to become more faithful in praying.  I followed one formula after another, giving up after trying a while, then going back to simple prayers, and so on… The most effective prayer discipline I’ve found in my life, for me, is writing my prayers in a journal.

Praying through writing keeps me focused and also allows my thoughts to develop as I write.  I pour out everything to God in my journals.  At times, my prayers are short, while other times, my prayers will go on for page after page.  I don’t write in it every day, though there are seasons of my life when I have written in it even more than once a day.  i currently am in a season when I’m trying to write in it as often as I can, several times a week.  There were times in the past when I only wrote in it sporadically.  For now, I find that when I’m journaling my prayers, I’m more faithful to talk with God consistently throughout each day, in my heart and head, and frankly, I’m more faithful to run to God with my “junk” when I’m writing to Him regularly(instead of running elsewhere, to someone else or to food or TV).

My point in all this is not to simply describe the disciplines in my life.  I want to demonstrate how we develop disciplines in our lives in a recursive manner.  We learn and grow and change.  We go back to try new ways of doing disciplines in our lives.  We repeat processes and steps; we refine them.  It’s all a part of being a disciple, and it’s individual.  Your discipleship probably doesn’t look exactly the same as anyone else’s, nor does mine.  We all start at different points in our discipleship (or, the act of being a disciple), and we develop differently, according to our personalities and experiences.

I want to share one final example from my life which I’ve only realized very recently.

I’ve struggled with my weight since I was a child, and much of my life, since becoming a Christian, I’ve wrestled with this issue as if it was a spiritual battle.  There was persecution and judgment from others in my past, as far back as elementary school, including shaming and bullying.  I was put on diets from 4th grade onward.  I learned early about calorie counting and proper nutrition as well as exercise.

Throughout my teen years, I dieted constantly.  I failed often, but there were some successful times. I even wrote several papers about overeating and such when I was in high school and college psychology classes, as well as reading just about every diet or exercise book that came on the market and buying into countless fad diets. I carried guilt constantly, feeling “less-than” and wondering why I couldn’t conquer this enemy.  My inner voice condemned me as being a failure, undisciplined, and sinful.

I’ve continued to fight this battle throughout my adult life, going so far as to have gastric bypass 15 years ago.  There has remained a constant inner voice of defeat in regards to this area of my life, especially when around healthy, fit people who seem to have the discipline in their lives to overcome.  Discipline, exactly what I’ve been convinced I didn’t have.

However, I’ve come to see that I am a disciplined person, even in this area of my life.  I’m still overweight. Yet, I’ve never given up trying to be healthy.  I have failed and fallen down, but I have always gotten back up and tried again or revised my plan to try something new.  I truly have sought to be a faithful disciple in this area of my life, for my own health’s sake (and yes, to try to look better), and also for the sake of being a steward of the life God has given me, as a spiritual discipline.

So, the physical dimension of my life has demonstrated recursive discipline….”wash, rinse, repeat”….”try, try again”….”fall off a horse, get right back on”…  I feel a new freedom from my inner condemnation and have a new vision on disciplines, in my life, and in others’ lives.  What works for others, won’t necessarily work for me or look the same in my life, and vice versa.  Yet, we are to keep on trying, keep holding each other up instead of tearing each other down; be patient and gracious, accepting of others.  We are all walking a hard road…”don’t judge a man until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes.”

My son and I were honored to be able to attend a 9/11 memorial service yesterday, on the 15th anniversary of the terrible attacks in 2001. We were near Philadelphia, having gone to an Adele concert in Philly the night before. The memorial was at a fire station in King of Prussia, PA. Two firefighters from the station had died when the fire department responded to help NY in the recovery after the attacks. I was moved greatly by the memorial and the attention to detail that was given in order to show great honor to all those who died  in NY, the Pentagon, and on Flight 93. 

During her concert the night before, Adele paid honor by dedicating a song to all those who gave their lives or lost loved ones in 9/11. She brought the reality home by saying that 15 years ago that night there were 3000 people who ate their last dinner with family or friends. Pondering this truth gave me great pause. 

I try to live my life in such a way that I’m always prepared to die, attempting to make sure the people in my life know they are loved and that I have asked for or offered forgiveness where needed. Yet, I know at any given moment there is potential unfinished business with some person or another in my life. 

I’m far from perfect in my relationships. Only God loves perfectly. However, I am committed to continuing to stay surrendered to God’s work in me that is slowly transforming my feeble, human love into the image of God’s perfect love in me. 

As I continue to pursue becoming holistically healthier by the time I’m 50 (next year, 10/19/2017), and as I’m in this time of transition with my job and family, I’m realizing that finding a “new normal”that is balanced is quite challenging. I’m working on getting into a routine that works for me on all fronts (i.e., home, work, family, friends), yet life stuff can always happen and interrupt the routine.  This calls for flexibility and sometimes means failed plans. 

The realization that has hit me is that I must be gracious with myself. It’s making more and more sense to me that we all must love ourselves well before we can truly love God and others. It’s all wrapped up together, sort of like the Trinity, and similar to the beauty of a how the lyrics, instruments, and timing come together in one of Adele’s songs or   how the planning, funding, and design of the memorial meshed into a piece of history that will reach people for years to come. 

I find myself at a place of freedom for which I have longed…and I don’t quite know how to act.  When I was still working full-time everyday, I daydreamed of all the things I could be doing if I didn’t need to be at work.  There is quite a long list of things I need to do and want to do, some of which I both want to do and need to do…yet, I’ve felt a lack of motivation, not having the external drive to punch the time clock to keep me on task.  Now, I know what I need to do, but I have to find the internal drive to do it.

This has been a struggle for most of my life, having enough internal motivation to do the kind of things in life which require commitment and discipline.  Sloth is the name for this.  I used to only think of sloth as being lazy, however, I’ve learned that sloth actually has to do with a lack of diligence.  A person can actually appear very busy and yet be considered slothful if they are keeping busy doing things other than what they know they are supposed to be doing.  It is also true that sloth can be played out in our lives as sheer laziness.  Either way, we can be avoiding the discipline required to follow through on God’s purposes for us.

True diligence is the opposite of sloth, and it may come as a surprise, but diligence is about love.  Loving God, loving others, and loving ourselves are actually the truest part of being diligent.  If you search the root of the word diligence, you will find that it comes from the Latin word, diligere, which means “to respect, esteem, love.”  Hence, when we are diligent, we are loving/respecting/esteeming God, others, and ourselves.  We can never truly become all God intended us to be, fulfill our purpose, for this life or the next, if we are unwilling to be disciplined and committed to the hard work of diligence, persisting in love to learn the habits which will lead to the growth of the fruits of the Spirit in our lives and ultimately develop the virtues of faith, hope, and, yes, love within us.

What was that I said?  We have to be diligent, loving, respecting, and esteeming God, others and ourselves, in order for love to develop in us?  WHAT?  Yes, you heard me right….we must do the actions of love, towards God, others, and ourselves, in order to become love……..which is actually our final purpose, the greatest call within us….to be love….for this is God’s true image within each of us.

So here I am beginning again today to re-develop the habits I need to grow stronger in my love for God, others, and myself.  What does that look like?

For me, I sat down last night and made a plan for today.  I started the day loving my daughter, helping her get out the door to school.  Next, I ate wisely and drank my coffee as I read my devotional emails, Bible verse of the day, and a portion of the book of the Bible I’m journeying through right now.  I reached out to a couple people through email/social media to encourage them, and I posted something I found inspiring on my FB wall in the hopes that it might also inspire someone else.  I wrote out a prayer, pouring out my heart to God, because I focus better on prayer when I write it, and then I tried to spend a few minutes practicing deep breathing and a centering prayer, while also listening for the Spirit speaking in me.  Now, I’m writing this for both my benefit and hopefully for yours, also intending it as an acknowledgment to God and the world that I need Him, that I’m nothing without Him, and that I long to share Him with each of you.

My hope is to write more on this site so as to share my journey more and encourage whomever might read this.  God didn’t bring me to this new place of freedom so that I could just kick back and enjoy it for myself….

If you would like to learn more about how I’m developing the disciplines and habits in my life and how you could also begin the journey to be more diligent in your own life, please see my “About” page on this blog, go to “Pieces Coaching” and learn more about how you and I could walk through some of this together.

Blessings, Tara