I’ve recently become aware of several interesting blog-type sites which have appeared in my Facebook newsfeed.  Several of them have piqued my curiosity because they seemed to resonate with my own journey at this time.  I even signed up to receive emails from a couple of them.  However, I’ve realized they seem to be lacking the one key component which I find to be the most critical in my day-to-day living.

In many respects these blogs/websites are helpful.  They are positive, uplifting, and inspiring.  They also each have a focus on some aspect of spirituality and speak about The Divine.  Yet, their focus seems to be on discovering the spirit of The Divine within yourself by learning more about who you are and who you are meant to be.

I do agree with the idea of an inward journey, but the emphasis I believe is imperative is that of discovering more and more of Christ the Son, God the Father, and the Holy Spirit.  The only way to find our true selves is through our direct relationship with God through our belief in Jesus, His Son, and the power of the Holy Spirit within us.  Our journey can only be true if we are in a growing relationship with Him who is the Truth.  We can only find our way by following Him who is the Way, and abundant life can only be discovered in Him who is the Life.

Yes, there is much to be uncovered by learning more about our inner life.  Yes, if we have believed in Christ and received the Holy Spirit into our lives, we do have a part of the Divine within ourselves.  Yes, we are created in God’s image and, through Christ, we are sons and daughters of the King of all Kings.  Yes, we are meant to be so much more than who we settle for being, much of our lives, because we were made for Eden, and we are destined for an eternity in God’s Kingdom.  Yes, we are called to become all that is possible for each of us as individuals, in this life, as we are prepared for the next life. Yes, we each have a purpose for our lives which God meant for us as individuals when we were created, and we will finally fulfill our utmost purpose when we are in the next life.

Yet, ultimately, we can only trust our journey inward when it begins with an invitation to the Spirit to come into every part of our beings and to transform us according to God’s design, to make us all God intended us to be from the start.  Then, as we proceed, we must take each step in the Light revealed to us, in obedience, and practicing the spiritual disciplines which will grow us closer and closer in our relationship with God until those disciplines become habits that are like a second nature to us, and until our greatest desire becomes the desire for God above all else.

My prayer is that we do not let our focus become so inward that all we see is ourselves, that we do not allow the “divine” within us to be only ourselves sitting on a throne of our own imagination.

It’s been my experience thus far in life that we become very different people, from whom we are as young adults, as we experience the ups and downs of life.  Depending on the length, breadth and depth of our highs and lows, we are transformed differently than most would expect or anticipate when they watched us grow through our teen years into an adult.  Yet, there is still a core of our identities that exists no matter the ways we have been affected by the weight of living. (Bastille song, one of my favorites)

When I have an opportunity to meet with my childhood and teen friends, I jump at the chance.  There is something that comes to life in me when I’m with them that I can’t quite explain.  It feels like a spark of the real me, the one who existed before the weight of living changed me.  I feel loved and accepted as who I am in that core of my identity, though these friends don’t really even know me as I am today.  They see me as I was and who life has shaped me to be doesn’t even impact their expressions of welcome and acceptance, and my feelings towards them are mutual.

Yet, life has changed each of us, some for the better, others for the worse.  A part of me laments each time I see these old friends because I long to know them as who they are today, in the depths of their beings.  Time doesn’t seem to allow this, though, since we all have our “real” lives calling us back in a rush.  How good it would be to linger lazily over a cup of coffee or glass of wine and truly share with one another….

Chagall, America Windows at Art Institute of Chicago

Romans 12:1-2 tells us “So then, my friends, because of God’s great mercy to us I appeal to you: Offer yourselves as a living sacrifice to God, dedicated to his service and pleasing to him. This is the true worship that you should offer. ² Do not conform yourselves to the standards of this world, but let God transform you inwardly by a complete change of your mind. Then you will be able to know the will of God—what is good and is pleasing to him and is perfect (Good News Translation).”  In The Message, the phrasing comes closer to what I believe it to mean, when it says, “^1-2 So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.”

The sum total of who you are and what you do is what Jesus wants “for this is your spiritual act of worship,” your “living sacrifice.”  Everything we do can be sacred if we are living sacramentally – completely set apart for God’s use.

Reclaim what was lost in the Fall by pushing back the darkness, even if only for a short time, by living sacramentally, intentionally Christian, in all of life, everything you do and say.

A new piece of my life puzzle is in place. I graduated with my MA in Spiritual Formation!!

This last two years of study has been challenging, but it’s also been self-revealing, confirming, and life-expanding. I had known for a number of years that I wanted to complete my MA degree, and I had felt God directing me toward this specific degree since 2005. However, I didn’t feel in my spirit that the timing was right to begin this program until 2014. My children and family life have been my priority, but this felt right, and God carried me through each class, assignment, reading, and discussion post.

I mean that in all seriousness. I prayed continually throughout my coursework. There were times I had anxiety attacks and writer’s block. Sometimes I would have an assignment that was due within an hour and I had would have no direction on how to address the topic. I would pray and just type. Some of those assignments were my best grades. I called on friends through emails or texts, sending out an SOS for prayer to get me past anxiety problems from trying to balance working full-time, taking classes, and attempting to be present for my family. In the midst of it all, I learned to better care for myself and to prioritize my life better. I also have learned to trust God more fully.

I thank God for His presence and work in me during this time. I also thank God for friends and family who carried me through this, supported and encouraged me, and allowed me the time and space to accomplish all that was needed for each day. I want to specifically thank some very important people:

My husband, Tom West, for supporting my efforts and taking on more duties with chores and running our kids around, and for giving me space to grow as an individual.

My kids, Taylor, Noah, and Jenna, for being my cheerleaders and for putting up with minimal homecooked meals and understanding that I needed time to read, study, listen to lectures, and sleep when I was exhausted.

My friends who listened to me, reminded me to breathe, gave me advice, critiqued some of my ideas, coached me and spurred me on in my dreams and personal goals, ate breakfast with me, prayed for me, and too many other helpful things to remember or list….Sheila, Mindy, Dennis, Amy, Heidi, Steve, Jeff, Anita, Bob, Scott, Angie, Chris, Becky, Wendy, Christian, Kathy Weaver, Kathie Harding, Duke, Missy, Rhonda, Sonya, Lori, Christine, Stacy, Shanna, Samantha, Danny, Jen M, Jen F, Bob & Annie, Troy and Christa, and my siblings, Eric, Ann, Becky, and Roger.

My mentor, Kendra, who gave me countless suggestions and a listening ear.

My heart is full, and I am blessed! Thank you all!

Now, I’m finding a new normal and making plans for the future. Please check out my new page on this website and let me know if you have any referrals for me or would like me to send you a business card to give someone. I’m hoping to begin taking clients for spiritual life coaching in June. Give me a call if you have questions.

So, as an illustration, here’s a “day in the life” for me:  yesterday, after making breakfast for my daughter and myself, then packing her a lunch, I came to work at 8 and had to post an argument in my Philosophy course for my Masters online.  I read my email devotionals and wrote a couple of meaningful emails to dear friends (by that, I mean they were long…..).  I scheduled to meet with someone about a potential job.  I paid bills and scheduled payments online throughout the day (because I can do that at my work when I don’t have a customer), and I spent my lunch finishing them up.  I read through the posts of my colleagues throughout the afternoon, knowing I needed to do a peer response by this morning.  When I got off work at 4, I immediately went to vote.  My husband was home, so I asked him to turn on the grill for chicken and turn on water to boil for macaroni.  I made it home by 4:30 and worked on dinner until we ate at 5:30.  Then, I decided to rest a little while and fell asleep on the couch from 6-7 (thank the Lord).  I then got up, cleaned up the kitchen (making individual containers to take to a friend today who is recovering from knee replacement), started some laundry to wash and emptied some trash cans, then I changed to go work out.  I was at the fitness center until 8:30, when I decided I needed to run to Dollar General before I went home.  Once home, at 9, I remembered my daughter was going to help me color my hair (because the grays were getting out of hand), and while I waited on my hair to be done, we watched Gray’s Anatomy re-runs to wind down as a family, because that’s what we do to decompress, watch Netflix.

After all that, I still felt guilty……..I didn’t remember to call my mom at a decent time when she would be up and able to answer; I didn’t vacuum the living room rug that is terrible right now; I didn’t remember to close the grill cover until time to go to bed!; I didn’t remember I need to change beds and clean the bathroom; I didn’t pull the dead stuff out of the flower bed to make room for the new daffodils that are about to bloom….and there are still multiple things I didn’t do!!!  I didn’t prepare for my small group this evening, so I’m doing that today.  I didn’t do the peer response for my course, so I had to do it this morning….and on it goes.  Yet, I still laid my head down and slept soundly last night.

The fact is, I am more than the sum of what I do.  God loves me regardless of how many items I accomplish in a day.  All I can do is my best, depending on the Spirit in all of it.  Sometimes, I’m not productive at all.  Yesterday was actually fairly productive, and obviously, even on a good day, I still don’t meet all of the needs of my own life or the lives of those around me.  I’m sure you can relate……which is why I’m writing this.

You gotta let go of beating yourself up over all the little things, and I’m partly talking to myself in this, as well.  Make a list, set priorities, look at due dates, include family time, friend time, God time, and time to take care of yourself.  Then take one thing at a time, one step forward, always making progress.  Even if you slip up on a day, show yourself some grace…God does.  God’s patience with us is far greater than what we give ourselves.  Learn to rest in His love for you…….and remember to breathe deeply with every little frustration you face, every disappointment and setback……and let God transform your expectations of yourself.

Forward.  This is the word I picked to be my theme in 2016.  My Bible Gateway verse of the day in my email from yesterday was Ephesians 5:1-2, “Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.”  Then my devotional email today, from Henri Nouwen, talked about God lighting each step of the way for His children.  I am encouraged by these reminders to keep walking, moving ahead, trusting God to light my path in His time, trusting Him for each step I need to take even before I can see where that step may take me.

Yet, another good reminder for me came in the form of another daily email devotional I read from The Upper Room.  Today’s message highlighted how it is good to reflect back at how God has worked in the past so that we can take courage to keep moving forward into the future.  My trust that He will light my steps ahead is strengthened when I look back at how He guided me forward in the past.  He is faithful to do this for us as He has promised, “I will go before you and make the crooked places straight.” (Isaiah 45:2, NKJV)

Moving forward this year, my hope is to walk in “the way of love”, as spoken of in the verses from Ephesians 5 above. Only Christ at work in me through the power of the Holy Spirit can enable me to walk in love, to give myself up as a “fragrant offering and sacrifice to God” as Christ did, a “living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God, (as my) spiritual worship.” (Romans 12:1, NRSV)  I have realized more and more in this past year that I’m struggling to make sacrifices anddie to self in some areas of my life.

I find myself asking whether certain aspects of my life should be sacrificed or whether it’s just false guilt making me think I need to give them up.  I’m seeking to learn to balance properly caring for myself with caring for others in my life.  Are there aspects of my self-care that should be more sacrificed?  Can I live without certain perceived needs for the sake of others’ needs?  When does caring for the needs of others cut into taking care of myself to the degree that I must set a boundary and say “no, that can’s be sacrificed, for the good of everyone, I have to have that need met in my life”?  Also, I’m learning to take the responsibility of caring for myself in all aspects of my life, depending on God only, instead of having unspoken expectations of others meeting my needs.  God does use others to meet my needs, but that’s to be in His hands and not me orchestrating it or trying to “make it happen.”

So, all in all, I can’t do anything to move forward without God being at work inside of me, changing me, as well as God working outside of myself in the people and events of my life.  I’m completely dependent on Him, therefore, my greatest move forward of each day is to seek Him in everything I do, everything I say, everything I hear and read and see, and in every person.  Moving forward for me is about God being my greatest desire and trusting Him being my greatest action each and every day, in all the steps I take.

My sons arrived home from college last night for Thanksgiving break.  It’s my middle son’s first time home this first semester of his college career.  He’s apparently taken to working puzzles in his downtime and had bought a 1000 piece puzzle to work on over break.  Once we had dinner and settled into other activities, he disappeared for a while.  I found him and his best friend in our laundry room with the puzzle started on a card table. I had to smile, and I couldn’t resist when he asked me to help find edge pieces, even though I’m not that into working puzzles.

My other son, the oldest, also reconnected with friends as soon as he could after unloading dirty laundry at our house.  Even my daughter, who is still in high school, could barely wait until after dinner to ask if she could spend the night with friends, since they wouldn’t have school the next five days.  How good it is to see that my children have strong friendships, people who care about them and want to spend time with them, and people with whom my children can feel loved and accepted.

Time and distance away from friends can often strengthen the relationships and turn time spent together from quantity time to quality time.  Many times in our lives we don’t choose to be separate from our friends; absence is forced upon us by life circumstances.  Yet, there are times when we need to step away for a while, for the emotional good of ourselves and/or our friends.

We are made for relationships, with God and with others, but sometimes the brokenness of this world prevents us from being healthy in our relationships.  We can hurt one another with words or actions we do or we forget to do. Friends can get too close, pull away, develop unrealistic expectations, fail to communicate well, push one another away with our self-defense, long to be with each other so much we smother our friendship, develop a dependency on the other that leads to an addictive obsession, or any number of other negative effects that could materialize because we are wounded people in a sinful world….and we were made for so much more.  Our hearts long for that “so much more” to be restored so that we can live in love with each other as we were created to do.

Here in the middle of my life I’ve been learning that there are times I might need to step back from a friendship, or that a friend might need to pull away for a while.  These times don’t mean we love the other any less or that we don’t desire to be in their company.  In fact, the opposite can be quite true.  Purposeful separation can be evidence of intense love and care for the other, to the point that we are willing to sacrifice time spent together in order to help the other, or ourselves, be emotionally stable and healthy.  Sometimes it is because we are trying to be supportive of the other relationships in our friends’ lives, or the other ones in our own life, knowing that we only can give so much of ourselves to so many relationships without burning out or breaking down needed boundaries or confusing our priorities, etc.

I wonder at times if our humanity simply cannot hold all the love we feel at times, if the “so much more” we are longing to recover is more about love than anything else.  I long for the day when our love will be completely purified and when we will be set free from our human limitations, able to live with and express the boundless love which we were created for from the beginning of Creation, one with the Father, Son, and Spirit as well as one in the True Body…….all together in love in the Kingdom to come.

Until then….I pray for His Kingdom to come on Earth, as it is in Heaven, more and more….

Psalm 147:11
The LORD delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love. (NIV)
The Psalms tell us that God delights in us.  I struggled in the past to understand and accept God delighting in us when we are known for all that we are, yet I have come to understand God’s delight in us by the experiences I have had as a parent and a friend.
I delighted in my children, praying with them and singing them to sleep when they were younger, aware of who they were in the depths of their beings.  They didn’t have to do anything to earn that devotion from me, regardless of what circumstances we may have faced as parent and child.  This brought to my mind Zephaniah 3:17, “The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.”
In another experience, a friend and I unexpectedly ran into each other.  We had experienced some conflict in our relationship, and when I noticed them coming toward me, I felt anxiety about how they would react.  To my surprise, they hugged me and said how glad they were to see me.  I was suddenly aware that this is how it feels for someone to delight in me, and how much more does God delight in each of us?
When we come as God’s children, God delights in us, simply for who we are.  There is nothing we need to do to earn that devotion.  We simply need to receive it, and rest in the love of the Father for us no matter the circumstances.
PRAYER:  Father God, thank you for loving us just as we are, for always opening Your arms to us when we come to you.  In Jesus’ name, Amen. (318 words)

Who knew that friendship would still be such a mystery in my late 40’s?  I think there has been as much, if not more, times of drama and confusion in my friendships in the last 10 years as there were the entire 38 years before that.  Yet, what I have found to be true is that when you take the risk to truly love and care for others then you open yourself up to the possibility of hurt, drama, misunderstandings, and uncertainty.  Thankfully, you also become available for depth, true intimacy, reciprocation of love and trust, as well as some really great hugs and laughs.

I am thankful for the blessings of friendships in my life.  God has brought people into my life at all stages and on all levels of intimacy.  I may never be rich according to the world’s standards, but when it comes to relationships, I feel so unworthy of the richness in my life.  I’m somewhat embarrassed to admit that I often find myself greedy for more in my friendships, wanting greater depth, more time together, more knowing and being known.  However, God spoke to me about this recently and reminded me that this is a part of His heart in me.  He created us for relationships, with Him and with one another, and He desires them to be deep and real.

Ultimately, we won’t be able to fully realize what God intends for us in our relationships until we cross over to the rest of eternity and we see Him face to face, when we know and are fully known.  Our cry for now remains still that His Kingdom would come on Earth, as it is in Heaven, and thus, we can experience more and more closely the intimacy in our relationships in the here and now that He longs for us to have.  This is a part of the desires of our hearts that He wants to give to us.  Overall, the risks that we take in developing relationships are worth the blessings of friendship, and the added blessing is that we can experience the love of Christ through those friendships.

Here at the start of the new school year many people are focused on how their kids or others’ kids have grown.  We get excited to see all the back-to-school pictures and hear the latest updates on what “Suzy” or “Johnny” are doing at school this year.  Yet, do we think much about how we are growing in the process?

I don’t know about you, but when I was a young person, I thought adults already had it all together and knew what they were doing.  Being an adult myself has been an awakening to the truth that we all learn as we go.  Each phase our children face brings a new experience to each of us.  Albeit, some of us have been better prepared than others, depending on our life circumstances and how well our own parents did, but no matter, we, as individuals, face uncharted waters with each new step our children take in their lives.

For me, this means that this fall will be very different from any our family has ever known.  Two of my children are now young adults and will be in college while I am also in graduate school.  Our third child is a teen and has embarked on her own new journey to learn a trade, thus going to a different school and no longer participating in a sports team at her home high school.  We will be down to three living at home, with no sporting events or practices that we absolutely need to attend.

I have no idea how this will all play out.  I know there will be more ups and downs in the exciting times that lie ahead. But somehow I hope I can convey to my children that I’m still learning and growing myself.  We’re in this together.  I also pray that they can learn from my mistakes along the way.